30 Things: Six

Way back when I started the 30 Things (here) but never kept up with it. I am now going to try to finish it before Mr. Payton gets here sometime in the next two months or so. I only got through number five…How sad!

So here is number six: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced.

I know that many of you probably already know what my answer to that is. On October 6^th, 2012 I went to the pumpkin patch with my family. I was just a couple weeks into my pregnancy and my husband and I were both so excited. I was feeling a little bit crampy but I knew that could be normal, as there was a lot of stuff changing in there already. I started getting nervous though but didn’t say anything to anyone because I really wasn’t sure. I went to the bathroom when we were at the pumpkin patch and was really nervous, but was relieved when there was no spotting or bleeding. We spent quite a while at the pumpkin patch picking out pumpkins and doing other activities. We then headed home, it was about a 40 minute ride and Brent and I were talking about names for the baby.

After being home for a bit I had to go bathroom again and that’s when I saw the blood. I knew it was over. I tried to hold myself together but I couldn’t stop from crying. I was already so excited and in an instant all of our hopes were crushed. It sounds weird, but after watching my mother suffer through so many miscarriages I always had a feeling I would have one, or many. Yet here I was, completely unprepared, lost, and heartbroken.

When I walked out of the bathroom you must have been able to tell I was crying because my mom instantly came over and hugged me and she just knew. My husband came over and he hugged me and we went outside to talk. I remember telling him I was sorry and he told me to stop, that I had nothing to be sorry about. But I still, even now, feel like I let him down.

The emotions of the actual miscarriage were so painful, but the months after were just as hard. I was angry and desperate to be pregnant again. Brent and I were closer than ever, but at the same time the stress of trying to get pregnant was a lot. We had never actually tried before; we were really just going with the “whatever happens happens” mentality. But after the miscarriage I wanted to have a child so desperately. So here I was every morning taking my temperature, and timing sex, and not doing this or doing that.

It was really a low point as I dealt with the emotions and trying to get pregnant at the same time. Looking back now I should have waited longer to try again because I was a mess. Brent and I think of when we actually got pregnant with Payton and it was not a good time for us, and I wish it had been. But I know I am not alone in this, as I have “met” so many other women who have gone through the same thing.

What was the hardest thing I have been through turned into the best thing that I have which is Payton. And I feel so blessed, and I love Payton so much already. But sometimes I still feel guilty because I don’t think about our Sweet Pea as much anymore. But I haven’t forgotten; I just can’t live with that pain every day. It’s not fair feeling that if I had kept my Sweet Pea I wouldn’t have Payton, I hate feeling like one trumps the other. And sometimes I still ugly cry over losing our Sweet Pea. And I will never take for granted how incredibly fortunate I am to have Payton. Every time he kicks or rolls or has the hiccups I think of how incredibly blessed I am to have this gift.  But I will always miss my Sweet Pea.