30 Things: Six

Way back when I started the 30 Things (here) but never kept up with it. I am now going to try to finish it before Mr. Payton gets here sometime in the next two months or so. I only got through number five…How sad!

So here is number six: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced.

I know that many of you probably already know what my answer to that is. On October 6^th, 2012 I went to the pumpkin patch with my family. I was just a couple weeks into my pregnancy and my husband and I were both so excited. I was feeling a little bit crampy but I knew that could be normal, as there was a lot of stuff changing in there already. I started getting nervous though but didn’t say anything to anyone because I really wasn’t sure. I went to the bathroom when we were at the pumpkin patch and was really nervous, but was relieved when there was no spotting or bleeding. We spent quite a while at the pumpkin patch picking out pumpkins and doing other activities. We then headed home, it was about a 40 minute ride and Brent and I were talking about names for the baby.

After being home for a bit I had to go bathroom again and that’s when I saw the blood. I knew it was over. I tried to hold myself together but I couldn’t stop from crying. I was already so excited and in an instant all of our hopes were crushed. It sounds weird, but after watching my mother suffer through so many miscarriages I always had a feeling I would have one, or many. Yet here I was, completely unprepared, lost, and heartbroken.

When I walked out of the bathroom you must have been able to tell I was crying because my mom instantly came over and hugged me and she just knew. My husband came over and he hugged me and we went outside to talk. I remember telling him I was sorry and he told me to stop, that I had nothing to be sorry about. But I still, even now, feel like I let him down.

The emotions of the actual miscarriage were so painful, but the months after were just as hard. I was angry and desperate to be pregnant again. Brent and I were closer than ever, but at the same time the stress of trying to get pregnant was a lot. We had never actually tried before; we were really just going with the “whatever happens happens” mentality. But after the miscarriage I wanted to have a child so desperately. So here I was every morning taking my temperature, and timing sex, and not doing this or doing that.

It was really a low point as I dealt with the emotions and trying to get pregnant at the same time. Looking back now I should have waited longer to try again because I was a mess. Brent and I think of when we actually got pregnant with Payton and it was not a good time for us, and I wish it had been. But I know I am not alone in this, as I have “met” so many other women who have gone through the same thing.

What was the hardest thing I have been through turned into the best thing that I have which is Payton. And I feel so blessed, and I love Payton so much already. But sometimes I still feel guilty because I don’t think about our Sweet Pea as much anymore. But I haven’t forgotten; I just can’t live with that pain every day. It’s not fair feeling that if I had kept my Sweet Pea I wouldn’t have Payton, I hate feeling like one trumps the other. And sometimes I still ugly cry over losing our Sweet Pea. And I will never take for granted how incredibly fortunate I am to have Payton. Every time he kicks or rolls or has the hiccups I think of how incredibly blessed I am to have this gift.  But I will always miss my Sweet Pea.

30 Weeks!

I am 30 weeks already! Time has seriously been flying by, and while I am beyond excited to meet our little guy, I need it time to chill out just a bit! I still have so much to do! And things have just been hectic!

So I thought it was a good idea to take a full term for summer because I can finish my degree in March instead of July that way, but it has really just been super crazy now. I have to keep reminding myself that this will be worth it in the end.

Payton gave us a good scare last week that landed me in labor and delivery being monitored. I was at work and kept having Braxton Hicks contractions. I ignored them the entire day because I wasn’t timing them but I could tell it was no more than two or three an hour. I got off work and drove up to the college to take a test. Let me tell you, it is not easy to focus on a test while thinking about how many contractions you have had since you got there. I finished the test and was walking back to my car when I got a contraction that stopped me because it was the strongest one I’d had so far. I decided I better call the nurse just in case. She told me rest and drink lots of water. I swear that if I drink anymore water I am going to have to just stay on the toilet 24/7. So I went home and, although I had a few more, things did seem to settle down.

 Then I had to work early the next day and I got to work and my lower back was super achy and it felt like I was having period-like cramps. I tried taking it really easy but it didn’t go away and I continued having lots of Braxton hicks which were now at least three times an hour but got up to 4. I called the nurse again, feeling really silly and like a worry wart. She asked me a bunch of questions and then said “ok I am going to call over to the family birthing center (which is labor and delivery in my town) and let them know you are coming in to get checked”.  Cue my panic. I called my husband and told him I would be home soon and get ready to go because I had to go be monitored.

We got to the family birthing center and they were really nice. They put me in a very small room and strapped me up to a fetal heart monitor and the monitor to track contractions. Sure enough I was having even more contractions than what I was noticing. They ran a few tests to check for things like bladder infections, checked to make sure I wasn’t dilating, and did a swap to make sure I wasn’t in danger of delivering within the next two weeks. Everything looked good and by the time all those tests were done the contractions were slowing down. They kept me there for a while to make sure nothing else happened but by this point it was pretty clear all was well.

So I was sent home and told to chill out at work because I likely over worked myself. So now I am being more careful at work and making sure that I am drinking tons of water. I need this little man to stay in there for at least 7 more weeks! The worst part is that now my doctor is all worried and said I need to keep a close eye on the contractions because I am supposed to go to a work meeting in two weeks that is three hours out of town and requires an overnight trip. Hopefully things stay mellow until I get back!

Well that got awfully long! I hope that I can start doing some more blog posts because there is really so much to write about when you are pregnant! I want to write about my birth plan, the hospital bag, and all sorts of other things.

Oh and we are moving next week too! I found an awesome little place that we both love so once we get moved in I have to set up Payton’s nursery pronto and get all of his things organized!

And here is a picture of Brent and I (and our pup) on our two year anniversary which was on the 16^th. I am getting huge!

 

Third Trimester

Holy cow! I am officially the worst blogger EVER! Life has been so crazy!

We saw our handsome little son today! He looks perfect. But he is a big dude and was already measuring 2lb 11oz, yikes! They had to re-check his kidneys because they were a little enlarged at our anatomy scan. They are still a little big, but my amniotic fluid levels were good and his bladder was full so they said they were working just fine.

I took my gestational diabetes test on Friday. I'm not sure who came up with that drink, but it was clearly a male who would never be faced with the challenge of being six months pregnant and drinking it! Some people say it's not so bad, and maybe I am a baby, but I almost puked just trying to get it down. I told my husband that I would rather chug vodka...I'm not at all dramatic.  But my husband is so wonderful and he went and bought me a Hydro Flask, seriously if you have never heard of these check them out here! Even more neat, the company started in my hometown. They are a little pricey for a water bottle, but I promise they are worth it! Anyways, I passed my test and I was so relieved because saying I have a sweet tooth may be the world's biggest understatement.

So I am in the third trimester and on the homestretch. I have never felt more blessed. Every time I feel Payton move I smile because I know how lucky I am to have this tiny life growing inside of me. At first I thought there was no way I was pregnant at first, it was just too good to be true. And then I thought that I was having another miscarriage, but we have a little fighter. I cannot wait to meet my handsome son!

Here is me yesterday at 27 weeks and 1 day

 



 And here is our perfect little guy!

Gender Reveal

So this happened last night! I of course got way too excited while cutting the cake when I noticed blue frosting on the knife and couldn't even finish cutting it. Brent didn't trust me though and he finished cutting it and it was still blue haha. We are both so excited to be having a boy! Brent loves sports more than anyone I know and has been dreaming of a boy all along. I on the other hand didn't care but was pretty convinced this entire time that we were having a girl. We cannot wait to meet you Payton Xander!

Passing Along the Candle

I have a very dear member of the loss community that I would like to make a prayer request for. She found out a couple of weeks ago that her sweet boy she was carrying had trisomy 13 which she later found out meant that her baby boy had abnormalities that were incompatible with life. Her and her husband sent their baby boy to Heaven yesterday. If you can spare any thoughts and prayers for her and her family I know she could use them.

The Walking Dead

I love the show The Walking Dead. It took some convincing from my wonderful husband to finally watch it (this was me “Zombies are soooo stooopid, why is everyone obsessed with all of that lame zombie stuff?”) Then I watched ONE episode and I haven’t stopped since. Wonderful zombie shows aside though, I think I am becoming a zombie. Last week was dead week and then this week is finals. I have four finals (that I should be studying for right now!) and then I have one glorious week off from both work and school. Can anyone blame me for being exhausted? I am pregnant, working full time, and going to school full time…Every time I say that I realize that I have lost my mind! What in the world was I thinking getting pregnant before finishing school? And then I look at my ultrasound picture with my sweet little baby in there who was bouncing away and then I remember why I did this! But I am probably still crazy! So wish me luck that I can make it through this week with my mind still intact!

I'm Alive and Baby and I are Both Well!

I went on hiatus after getting my positive pregnancy test. I've just been too scared to talk about it, as though I might jinx it. But on Wednesday we had an ultrasound and everything was perfect. We saw the heartbeat flickering away and baby was wiggling around like crazy! I feel pretty confident that this is going to be our take home rainbow baby. I am ten weeks, I'll be elven weeks on Sunday. And I will start doing much better about updating! And here is a pic of our little prune (that's how big it is this week!)